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I'm going to be honest here. This has been my thought process since having found out that I was pregnant. When I first found out, I was so freaked out by the thought of giving birth and having a baby that, honestly, I was not excited whatsoever. After going to the doctor for the first time and seeing it's little heart beating and seeing that it was really real, yet again, I was happy, but not excited and was still more scared at that point. After going to the doctor, we got to tell everybody the news which made it even more real. I was excited to tell everyone and was excited that everyone else was excited, but deep down inside I felt selfish that I wasn't just thrilled about becoming a mom. Then I started to get sick. This didn't help the excitement factor and it made me really anxious, wondering if this type of sickness was normal, if the baby was ok, and if I was going to be ok. The sickness brought on depression and loneliness making me really not excited and made me feel like my life as I know it is over forever. (Which is the truth, but that is not necessarily a negative thing). Then for awhile I was starting to get excited but was still haunted by the idea of actually giving birth which caused me to be completely freaked out again. I was also freaked out about once the baby gets here, never getting any sleep and never getting my body back to normal and never being able to do anything for me anymore. Then I just kind of stopped thinking about it and became indifferent to the situation. I can't change the way things are so I won't be upset, but I'm still not excited. So all of this is what I have been feeling up until now.
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Just recently I was reading a blog about a family whose baby had Trisomy 18 (a chromosome disorder where the child only has a 5% chance to live until their first birthday). The mother seemed to have the same feelings as me at first about being pregnant and becoming a mom (not too thrilled). Then they found out about their baby being sick and things seemed to change. She fell in love with that child in her womb and prayed for just one day to spend with that baby. After reading their story and hearing how much they loved and cared for that baby who they knew would not live long, I began to see just how selfish I have been being about this whole thing. I have taken for granted the fact that we can even get pregnant. I have taken for granted the fact that everything so far has gone well and the baby seems to be developing correctly without any complications. I have taken for granted the fact that God has blessed us so richly with a great marriage and now children. My attitude started to change after realizing all of this. I can truthfully and happily say that I am SO excited to be having a baby and that all of the negative things that I have been worried about are very small in comparison to what a blessing this baby is and will be in our lives. No one is a perfect parent and no one is completely prepared for the changes that a child brings, but that doesn't mean that I need to worry or be upset about the changes to come. I will learn as I go and I have many friends and family who will be willing to help out and give me advice. So, all of that to say, I seriously can't wait until the baby arrives and we get to hold it for the first time and see what it looks like and all the exciting things to come with its arrival (and I say that..for the first time...in all honesty!).
2 comments:
My precious, please know that all those feelings are so normal, that everyone experiences most of those stages at one point, and that being sick and being excited are pretty much mutually exclusive! I remember praying that I would love my baby (Anna, of course) as much as I loved Leah. I couldn't imagine liking this baby I'd never seen as much as the one I already knew. Of course that was so ridiculous, because when you see that new little face, it is all different. Above all, remind yourself over and over that this is God's plan, it is His baby, and it is His timing, which is better and wiser than anything we think or imagine. i love you sooooooooooooooooooooooo much! mom
Glad to know I've won your hearts...(eyelash bat..). For real sis, who would be excited about being sick and having a human come out of you? Of course you are freaked out...you will wax and wane over your excited about this for umm..the rest of your life, I would imagine! Such is life...we do have person to trust who is steadier and more constant than any situation and emotion..cling to Him! love love, A
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